Wednesday, April 10, 2013Do i make bad decisions? its seems as though i keep doing things despite knowing how it will all turn out. its starting to look like i am a glutton for pain. im constantly asking myself why? its like i dont know what to do anymore. when did it all go wrong? when did it start looking so bleak for me... when did happiness suddenly become so difficult to attain??? why must it always be taken away so easily... i asked myself this, but then i realised that the more accurate question to ask would be why do i always find out... why does information find its way to me... what do i have to gain from knowing all of this... it just makes me wonder makes me think makes me doubt and makes me sad... i would honestly rather not know then have it all ripped away in the end. cause even if i did know i would still carry on the exact same way, holding on to some obscure hope that stems from god only knows where, a hope that doesn't even exist, and then when it gets all ripped away i am left broken just as i would be if i didnt know... so whats the point of knowing... whats the point of putting myself through contant agony, only to arrive at the same outcome... why not just have momentary happiness. why why why why why... is the question i ask constantly... it happens all the fucking time... getting a little sick of it... its like im seeing it coming quicker and quicker, telling myself to bail, but moments later telling myself that there is hope that i should fight for it... but truth is i can fight my hardest and i will still lose... cause lets be honest the guy is always better then me... always. and i am always right... always. just once i want to be wrong..... no thats letting myself have false hope... just once just once i want to listen to myself... and just back down.... just once i want to not know. i want to be happy again... even if its for a while... cause i good with surprises, im good with sadness, i just dont want it to be constant, i rather it be sudden cause then i get to be happy first, then i can deal with whatever comes.. cause life hates me... and what comes will come.
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Tuesday, April 09, 2013with a track record like mine, its hard to imagine/hope that things will turn out any other way. i'm tired of being the first loser, cause in relationships, 2nd place means you get nothing. i'm desperate for this to work out, but am i willing to put myself out there again? would i rather suffer in silence wearing a mask i dont want to wear or would i rather wear my heart on my sleeve to let it get ripped apart for the world to see. they say that you need to fight for what you want, but whats the point in fighting when you know at the end of the day its a losing battle. sometimes i wish i didnt know things, i wish that i dont see it coming from miles away... maybe then i will be have a slightly longer period of delusional happiness.
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Wednesday, April 03, 2013looking at myself now, i would have to say i have matured significantly. even so, i cant say things have taken a turn for the better. i've grown accustomed to how things turn out, my gut and intuition has been as accurate as always so i am always one step ahead always prepared to deal with the worst that life can throw at me. i dont get affected as much anymore, its just simply the fuck life feeling. its like its all a viscous cycle, i see it coming from the start, i tell myself i need to avoid it, but i end up walking right into it thinking i can deal with it, only to discover there is nothing to deal with its all been decided and its been decided that i should be screwed. thats the way its always been, a moment of hope, a moment of happiness, then i see it coming but i cant avoid it, and all of a sudden, its all ripped away, and im left empty and emotionless again. its like its my defence mechanism now, to just shut off my emotions whenever something happens. i may say im affected for a while but in actual fact i dont feel shit i just feel irritated and sian... i say i feel hurt and sad cause thats what you are supposed to feel, but to cope i have to not feel a thing. then just when i start to feel again, i find myself at the all too familiar start, with the same if not similar circumstances facing me again. ive come to realise that i dont have a choice about the path i take, cause i will take it regardless of what i think would happen. all i can do is hope, hope that just once im wrong, just once its simple, just once i dont come out 2nd. just once i get picked.
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Thursday, March 01, 2012Regrets are like scars, they never really go away always there to remind you, but eventually you become accustomed to it and you barely notice it anymore, but it will always be there.
With age comes wisdom, but just cause we have the wisdom, that does not mean we will act accordingly, the mind maybe wise, but the heart will always be young and foolish, impulsive and uncontrolled.
Not being able to attain something because it was not meant to be is just an excuse to not get hurt, dating its not meant to be just means its difficult to attain, meaning its that much more precious.
You can say things are fated but those same things will always just be coincidental unless you choose to do something about them.
JUST SOMETHINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME BEFORE WHICH I FEEL ARE QUITE TRUE.
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Wednesday, November 30, 2011By the end of this week most of my friends will have ORDed while i am stuck here with 13 weeks to go till i am once again a civilian.
Recently I find myself finding more and more reasons not to go to camp... to clear as much off and leave as I can. I just feel that being there is of absolutely no use to my personal well-being. It seems as if without me nothing gets done. I hate to sound egoistical, but thats the way it seems to be. I can go on off for 5 days and come back to find nothing change and work waiting for me to do... seriously its a WTS moment. I feel like just fuck caring all of it... after all i am just an NSF this does not in anyway affect my future.
Back to my normal stuff, i am much happier now aside from army pissing me off. i guess i have just accepted that things are the way they are and nothing i do is going to change it.
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Monday, August 29, 2011we hold on as hard as we can.
we cling on to the
hope illusion that everything is as it should be.
believe fool ourselves things will get better.
then one day we open our eyes and see that its all gone
that it has left our life.
the illusion collapses and we are left in a state of shock.
there is a wrenching feeling in our gut.
we realise that we have been keeping our distance to protect ourselves.
locking everything away in a illusion that would one day crumble.
all of a sudden its gone, and all that's left are the memories and an empty feeling.
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Thursday, June 23, 2011I can't continue this anymore.
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Wednesday, June 22, 2011I don't know how to deal with what is happening in my life now.
It seems as if everything is in one big mess, one big chaotic mess waiting for the right moment to blow up.
One person can only fail so many times, can only blame other factors so many times before they have to admit and except the fact that the root of all these failures is the undeniable truth that they just suck! I think that I have reached that stage in my life.
All my life I have never been good enough in anything that I do, in anything that I set out to achieve, I am always just not good enough.
(All this is just me wallowing in self pity, Pathetic!)
I try, God knows how I try, I always give my all in everything I do, I train, I practise, I study, I prepare, yet somehow when it comes right down to it, somehow I am always walking out of the place with my head hung low, disappointed.
To me, the smarter thing to do would be to accept my defeat, my disappointment, take it in stride move on and never try for the same thing again, yet somehow someone will soon come along and convince me to try again, telling me that I will not be disappointed twice, I mean how likely is it that you can fail at the same thing again?
Well sad to say somehow I am able to do just that. despite it all, I am able to beat the odds and fail again and again.
Studies, Sports, Driving, Relationships, even Friendships, you name it I have failed at it. Its pathetic.
I need someone I can talk to, to complain to, to rant and pour my troubles out to. I use to have someone like that, a few someones, yet somehow I managed to screw them up. Must be the whining.
I miss the days when I had someone to msg, to just talk. now weeks can go by without a single msg.
Reading this post I can't help but feel that all this is very pathetic, but its the truth, its whats going through my mind, it what i feel on a regular basis.
I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this.
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Monday, June 13, 2011This week is going to be a very hectic week.
I predict long hours in the office, truckloads of stuff to prepare, and generally stressed out people working all around. Wednesday, that is the day we are all anxiously waiting for, once Wednesday comes and goes, all this will be over. guess i just have to hold out for about 3 days.
I think that I care too much about what others think about me, i should remember that after these 8 months that i have left here, chances are i will never see most of these people again. So, I don't really need to care if they like me or not, all I need to do is do my work to my fullest capacity and nothing more.
I want to write a book. ok random...
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Sunday, June 05, 2011I use to be patient, i use to think things through before doing anything, i use to be fearless, i use to be calm, i use to know what i want.
Now i am impulsive, i am rash, i make decisions without thinking, i am afraid to do anything cause of all the "what ifs" i get angry easily and i have no aim anymore.
Its as if i lost who i am along the way, i dont like the version of me now, hes uninteresting, not a good friend and not entirely a good person, and i think the people around me feel the same way too. all things may have changed, but i am still good at reading people, even my oldest friends cant stand me anymore.
Why?? what happened along the way to make me become this, this person? i can point out the flaws in others around me, but i am blind and oblivious to my own flaws, which if judged based on how people act towards me, is pretty fucked up. slowly but surely, my friends are distancing themselves from me. i am lousy company, a useless friend, they know it and i know it now.
i want the old version of me back, i liked him better.
i just fear that he is lost forever in this new version of myself
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