looking at myself now, i would have to say i have matured significantly. even so, i cant say things have taken a turn for the better. i've grown accustomed to how things turn out, my gut and intuition has been as accurate as always so i am always one step ahead always prepared to deal with the worst that life can throw at me. i dont get affected as much anymore, its just simply the fuck life feeling. its like its all a viscous cycle, i see it coming from the start, i tell myself i need to avoid it, but i end up walking right into it thinking i can deal with it, only to discover there is nothing to deal with its all been decided and its been decided that i should be screwed. thats the way its always been, a moment of hope, a moment of happiness, then i see it coming but i cant avoid it, and all of a sudden, its all ripped away, and im left empty and emotionless again. its like its my defence mechanism now, to just shut off my emotions whenever something happens. i may say im affected for a while but in actual fact i dont feel shit i just feel irritated and sian... i say i feel hurt and sad cause thats what you are supposed to feel, but to cope i have to not feel a thing. then just when i start to feel again, i find myself at the all too familiar start, with the same if not similar circumstances facing me again. ive come to realise that i dont have a choice about the path i take, cause i will take it regardless of what i think would happen. all i can do is hope, hope that just once im wrong, just once its simple, just once i dont come out 2nd. just once i get picked.