Do i make bad decisions? its seems as though i keep doing things despite knowing how it will all turn out. its starting to look like i am a glutton for pain. im constantly asking myself why? its like i dont know what to do anymore. when did it all go wrong? when did it start looking so bleak for me... when did happiness suddenly become so difficult to attain??? why must it always be taken away so easily... i asked myself this, but then i realised that the more accurate question to ask would be why do i always find out... why does information find its way to me... what do i have to gain from knowing all of this... it just makes me wonder makes me think makes me doubt and makes me sad... i would honestly rather not know then have it all ripped away in the end. cause even if i did know i would still carry on the exact same way, holding on to some obscure hope that stems from god only knows where, a hope that doesn't even exist, and then when it gets all ripped away i am left broken just as i would be if i didnt know... so whats the point of knowing... whats the point of putting myself through contant agony, only to arrive at the same outcome... why not just have momentary happiness. why why why why why... is the question i ask constantly... it happens all the fucking time... getting a little sick of it... its like im seeing it coming quicker and quicker, telling myself to bail, but moments later telling myself that there is hope that i should fight for it... but truth is i can fight my hardest and i will still lose... cause lets be honest the guy is always better then me... always. and i am always right... always. just once i want to be wrong..... no thats letting myself have false hope... just once just once i want to listen to myself... and just back down.... just once i want to not know. i want to be happy again... even if its for a while... cause i good with surprises, im good with sadness, i just dont want it to be constant, i rather it be sudden cause then i get to be happy first, then i can deal with whatever comes.. cause life hates me... and what comes will come.