Do i make bad decisions? its seems as though i keep doing things despite knowing how it will all turn out. its starting to look like i am a glutton for pain. im constantly asking myself why? its like i dont know what to do anymore. when did it all go wrong? when did it start looking so bleak for me... when did happiness suddenly become so difficult to attain??? why must it always be taken away so easily... i asked myself this, but then i realised that the more accurate question to ask would be why do i always find out... why does information find its way to me... what do i have to gain from knowing all of this... it just makes me wonder makes me think makes me doubt and makes me sad... i would honestly rather not know then have it all ripped away in the end. cause even if i did know i would still carry on the exact same way, holding on to some obscure hope that stems from god only knows where, a hope that doesn't even exist, and then when it gets all ripped away i am left broken just as i would be if i didnt know... so whats the point of knowing... whats the point of putting myself through contant agony, only to arrive at the same outcome... why not just have momentary happiness. why why why why why... is the question i ask constantly... it happens all the fucking time... getting a little sick of it... its like im seeing it coming quicker and quicker, telling myself to bail, but moments later telling myself that there is hope that i should fight for it... but truth is i can fight my hardest and i will still lose... cause lets be honest the guy is always better then me... always. and i am always right... always. just once i want to be wrong..... no thats letting myself have false hope... just once just once i want to listen to myself... and just back down.... just once i want to not know. i want to be happy again... even if its for a while... cause i good with surprises, im good with sadness, i just dont want it to be constant, i rather it be sudden cause then i get to be happy first, then i can deal with whatever comes.. cause life hates me... and what comes will come. with a track record like mine, its hard to imagine/hope that things will turn out any other way. i'm tired of being the first loser, cause in relationships, 2nd place means you get nothing. i'm desperate for this to work out, but am i willing to put myself out there again? would i rather suffer in silence wearing a mask i dont want to wear or would i rather wear my heart on my sleeve to let it get ripped apart for the world to see. they say that you need to fight for what you want, but whats the point in fighting when you know at the end of the day its a losing battle. sometimes i wish i didnt know things, i wish that i dont see it coming from miles away... maybe then i will be have a slightly longer period of delusional happiness. looking at myself now, i would have to say i have matured significantly. even so, i cant say things have taken a turn for the better. i've grown accustomed to how things turn out, my gut and intuition has been as accurate as always so i am always one step ahead always prepared to deal with the worst that life can throw at me. i dont get affected as much anymore, its just simply the fuck life feeling. its like its all a viscous cycle, i see it coming from the start, i tell myself i need to avoid it, but i end up walking right into it thinking i can deal with it, only to discover there is nothing to deal with its all been decided and its been decided that i should be screwed. thats the way its always been, a moment of hope, a moment of happiness, then i see it coming but i cant avoid it, and all of a sudden, its all ripped away, and im left empty and emotionless again. its like its my defence mechanism now, to just shut off my emotions whenever something happens. i may say im affected for a while but in actual fact i dont feel shit i just feel irritated and sian... i say i feel hurt and sad cause thats what you are supposed to feel, but to cope i have to not feel a thing. then just when i start to feel again, i find myself at the all too familiar start, with the same if not similar circumstances facing me again. ive come to realise that i dont have a choice about the path i take, cause i will take it regardless of what i think would happen. all i can do is hope, hope that just once im wrong, just once its simple, just once i dont come out 2nd. just once i get picked.