I can't continue this anymore. I don't know how to deal with what is happening in my life now.
It seems as if everything is in one big mess, one big chaotic mess waiting for the right moment to blow up.

One person can only fail so many times, can only blame other factors so many times before they have to admit and except the fact that the root of all these failures is the undeniable truth that they just suck! I think that I have reached that stage in my life.

All my life I have never been good enough in anything that I do, in anything that I set out to achieve, I am always just not good enough.
(All this is just me wallowing in self pity, Pathetic!)
I try, God knows how I try, I always give my all in everything I do, I train, I practise, I study, I prepare, yet somehow when it comes right down to it, somehow I am always walking out of the place with my head hung low, disappointed.

To me, the smarter thing to do would be to accept my defeat, my disappointment, take it in stride move on and never try for the same thing again, yet somehow someone will soon come along and convince me to try again, telling me that I will not be disappointed twice, I mean how likely is it that you can fail at the same thing again?
Well sad to say somehow I am able to do just that. despite it all, I am able to beat the odds and fail again and again.

Studies, Sports, Driving, Relationships, even Friendships, you name it I have failed at it. Its pathetic.

I need someone I can talk to, to complain to, to rant and pour my troubles out to. I use to have someone like that, a few someones, yet somehow I managed to screw them up. Must be the whining.

I miss the days when I had someone to msg, to just talk. now weeks can go by without a single msg.


Reading this post I can't help but feel that all this is very pathetic, but its the truth, its whats going through my mind, it what i feel on a regular basis.
I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. This week is going to be a very hectic week.
I predict long hours in the office, truckloads of stuff to prepare, and generally stressed out people working all around. Wednesday, that is the day we are all anxiously waiting for, once Wednesday comes and goes, all this  will be over. guess i just have to hold out for about 3 days.

I think that I care too much about what others think about me, i should remember that after these 8 months that i have left here, chances are i will never see most of these people again. So, I don't really need to care if they like me or not, all I need to do is do my work to my fullest capacity and nothing more.

I want to write a book. ok random... I use to be patient, i use to think things through before doing anything, i use to be fearless, i use to be calm, i use to know what i want.